


don’t look for reason

by tnevmucric



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Comfort, Dialogue Heavy, First Kiss, M/M, Open to Interpretation, POV First Person, Relationship Negotiation, Sexuality, Stream of Consciousness, akira's gay thoughts, did someone say bath scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-13 14:23:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20175727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tnevmucric/pseuds/tnevmucric
Summary: "you like me?"





	don’t look for reason

I feel almost dizzy in the water, blood rushing and gushing to and from my head and sending waves of cold nausea across my skull. Across from me, he is almost completely submerged—with his chin ducked so low, I can barely figure out if his eyes are open or closed. _Did you hear me?_ I want to ask. _Are you asleep? Where are you, why are you here again?_

"You like me?" 

It's not unlike a rush of ice cubes down my back when he does set his stare ahead; openly contemplative, unaware of its status affects, sitting up to straighten his posture (if I squint, I could count each goosebump).

"Yeah." I hesitate. "Is that... okay?"

He pauses but it doesn't feel natural. We've had months of silence between us, every friendship does. Silences where silence fits best, silences where you're both busy but the knowledge of company is comforting—this silence makes my jaw ache. It's _awkward_, and awkward doesn't bode well because it's never existed here. His arms cross and the steam feels thicker: _flushed shoulders and flushed cheeks_. _Flushed lips, flushed feet._ "I didn't think you were..."

"I made things awkward." He shakes his head, halfway to a smile.

"You didn't, I'm just processing."

_Processing._ I can deal with _processing, _even if I desperately want to stretch my foot a little more, touch the sole of his foot, the curve of his arch, just to make some matter of contact, to gain some form of closure—I won't. We're _processing._

There must be something in the water or the walls because I can't find my composure anywhere.

"Do you like men?"

It's a question that gets lost in the steam before I can snatch it back. His knees break the water briefly, crossing over each other like his arms.

"I'm not quite sure how to answer."

"Honestly", I suggest. He glances up.

"I've rarely been capable.” 

"That's not true." 

He smiles, a small squint in his eyes. _A joke, think of another joke, keep him smiling, keep everything easy-_

"I suppose I did meet someone once. He was kind to me, challenged me; I liked that."

"You liked him?"

He regards me with unhidden skepticism. "Does that matter to you?"

"No", I respond quickly. "I guess not.” 

"Right."_ He is narrow_, _daring_. "Then how about you?"

"Huh?"

"You're interested in men."

My tongue darts out to wet my lips. "I mean, didn't everyone have a crush on Black Condor when they were a kid?"

His smile widens.

"No."

"Ah."

The stare comes back fresher and sharper than before; overheated and cold, I'm desperate to get out and lay on the tile floor.

"You don't seem to let any relationships get so far", he points out.

"You've known me barely a year." 

"Enough time, don't you think? And we do spend quite a lot of _time_ together." He tilts his head. "You keep everyone at somewhat of an arms length."

"And you don't?"

"I do", he agrees, "but I try to remind myself that trust exists."

My laugh is shaky and self-deprecating. "You know, I didn't really think this was how tonight was going to work out." 

"What did you expect?"

"Let's just say my expectations were a little too high."

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No." New words flood me, old confessions of mine want him: my tongue is overindulged. "I'm... I want to be honest with you."

"To what end?"

"That you be honest with me, too."

Hot fear fills my throat as I say it and I end up double-checking (with a pinch to my wrist) if I've drowned yet. I'm drowning from the inside, I decide. I'm a mess that wants to pull the clips out of his hair, take the elastic out, and watch the messy strands curl in the water as I sink him under. God, to see him like this, like anything, feels sickeningly sweet. Another hit to take.

"Can I come closer?"

Briefly, I feel my body freeze. My voice suffers and the water thaws me out.

"Yeah", I croak. My skin must be burned all over with eyelids at a constant flutter and limbs too heavy to move. The water shifts and he has settled beside me, thigh by thigh and silent. _It all feels like too much. _Like maybe I really didn't know what I was saying or what I was getting into; like maybe I'd only convinced myself that if I knew one thing, it was _this_ I knew most. _Him._

"Speaking to you feels like a suitable way of cataloging my thoughts", he evades. "To get them out of my system."

"Which thoughts?"

"I have other things to worry about that require more attention—or rather, I did." He's silent again for a long moment. "You often let others lean on you; I've seen it, I don't wish to be it."

"I'm not sure I understand."

He looks at me (_pink shoulders, pink cheeks, the tilt of his head_) "I don't want to be something you think you always have to save. You've saved me once, and that is _far_ more than enough for the both of us."

"That's not what this is."

"Isn't it?" He's critical. "We may be alike in many ways but the thing that separates us is your insufferable need to _help_. You don't stop because you _can't_. Sure, it might start as some mutually beneficial scenario, but you'll always end up throwing yourself in completely. I don't think you actually know what you want." His knee leans on my thigh and his elbow sets on the edge of the bath, head in hand. "Tell me what you really want, Kurusu."

It takes the silence, awful and incredible and bleeding in my ears, but it takes the silence for me to realise. My head tips back with a laugh I can't hide.

"You're teasing me." His eyes soften.

"I want you to be sure. There's truth in what I said."

"I know." The water ripples when I bump my hand against his: a quick _here I am_. A brief _here we are_. "I'm sure."

He stares down at the water. No one needs to know that our fingers fumble together, lazy and whispering. He eventually looks up.

"How could you want me?" He searches my face for answers, genuinely curious. "You see me, know me, love me anyway."

"Does it worry you?"

"My worries aren't what matter here."

"They matter to me."

"I'm not going to lean on you-"

"I'm not going to _make_ you", I cut in. "But there's a difference in asking you to lean on me and letting you know that_ I don't mind_ being leant on. I care about you, Goro. I really do.” 

I wonder where we'll be in weeks, wonder why _right now_ feels like minutes or seconds only. Time doesn't feel relevant to us, and I could fall through the floor, wake up in bed a year later, and still feel unsatisfied with the outcome we always have to struggle to get to.

"You know how I feel", he reminds me gently, "You've always known."

The feelings that seem to hurt most are most surely the longing for impossible things; the dissuading and desolate landscape pining creates—an obsessive room where your thoughts only stray to one place. To let that go, to say it and never speak of it again—to get it out of your system,_ just like you said_. It's terrifying.   


"Goro"—he clenches my hand, warm and real.

It's an impulsive lean more than a shy one and I want him everywhere around me, inside me. The tentative meld of two spaces and the warmth of his cheek against my own and his traveling hand that curls by my neck _feels_ like breathing after minutes dead.

"You need to understand." I want to close my eyes against his. You happened to me in an instant, a single moment, and yet you've given me the kind of certainty that people earn over lifetimes. "Tell me you understand."

If I am asleep, then I will never be tired of dreaming.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading! pls consider donating to my kofi below :)
> 
> ko-fi.com/tnevmucric


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